Lexicon for Business Speak

Lexicon for Business Speak

“Lots of impactful statements which we can use to get traction going forward. Once actioned, we can socialize our proactive approach while potentiating a high level overview of the implementation. This goal will be our primary, secondary, tertiary and quaternary deliverable which we’ll leverage during the lift and shift of the valuation by our Executive.”

(Yes, people in corporations actually talk this way.)

This is a little project I occupied myself with while I worked for the Bank.  I found it absurd that people actually spoke to each other in this way, so I documented it for later use.  Enjoy!

 

Terms

Adding value
And stuff like that
And that kind of thing
At the end of the day
Automagical
Ballpark this
Blue Sky this
Buy-in
Calories
Circle Back
Connecting (with people)
Cycles
Deliverables
Download
Emotional Intelligence (EI) *1*
Engage
Getting Traction
Goals
Going Forward
Group Grope (meetings) *2*
High Level
I get what you’re laying down
Impactful
Interface with my continuance
Interfacing
Internalize
Leverage (used as a verb) *3*
Leverage buy-in
Lift and Shift
Lines of Defense
Make it so
Mobilize
Mulligan
Next steps
Offline
Onboarding
On board
On the same page
Parking Lot Item
Plan of action
Poking the bear (audit)
Potentiate
Proactive
Problematical
Promulgate
Reach out
Road map
Socialize
Solutioning
Takeaway
Transformation
Utilize *4*
Value add
When all is said and done

 

Usage

“Allow me to calibrate my reference in the most optimal way.”

“We’ll have our folks work on it, have some face to face and maybe we’ll have some cycles for a day in the life and make it real.”

“Let me give you some background on the ask.”

“Let’s blue sky this/let’s ballpark this.”

“Let’s circle back to that.”

“Let’s put that in the parking lot.”

“Let’s touch base on that later.”

“Let’s take this off-line.”

“The board was convinced that my new ad campaign for arsenic and semen flavored lollipops for tots will be incredibly impactful and will generate heaps of sales.”

I am an idiot so I will spend my day solutioning a way to deal with my stupidity.”

1“If this isn’t what you are looking for, feel free to book a quick call so we can clarify your ask.

 

Footnotes

*1* Emotional Intelligence (EI):  In Canada, EI is the acronym for Employment Insurance, which used to be called Unemployment Insurance in the days before political correctness poisoned our society.  EI is a government-paid or tax-funded insurance given to workers laid-off from their employment.

*2* Group Grope: was coined by a boss of mine.  She used it to describe mandatory team meetings.

*3* Leverage (used as a verb): Here is an excellent angle on Leverage as a Verb.

*4* Utilize: This has always been a point of contention for me.  I’m not sure how this word became a synonym for Use.  I hypothesize that it was done by IT folks who were looking at utilization statistics of various computer related resources, like memory utilization and bandwidth usage.  Somehow using something morphed into making use of something.  I’m using my flashlight to light my way.  Versus I’m utilizing my cellphone as a flashlight to light my way.  Naturally, language evolves to serve people, yet I cringe every time Utilize is utilized incorrectly.

Sheep’s Brains for Dinner TONIGHT!!!!

So eons ago, in the house I grew up in, my stepfather’s mom was cooking up a delicacy – at least that’s what they called it. I remember being in my room, smelling this god-awful odor, not knowing what it was. I thought it was some chemical leak or spill or some weird shit coming from the basement – maybe archaeologists unearthed a tomb under our house.

I opened my door and this cloud of shit hit me, like a tsunami. I thought I was going to die. Fight or flight set in and I decided to defend my home from this cloud of death. I wet a towel, wrapped it around my face and tied a rope around my head to secure it, just as you would if there’s a fire, to prevent smoke inhalation.

I made my way down the stairs, to the kitchen and I could tell the odor was getting worse, but the makeshift respirator was doing its job. Once I got to the kitchen, I learned that Sheep’s brains were for dinner and I almost vomited.

I ordered pizza.

I also learned that my tolerance for shit inhalation is pretty damn high.

Restrooms and Keys

During my road trip back to Toronto from Las Vegas, it occurred to me that restrooms in the US are open to everyone.  In Ontario, you need a key to use them.  I don’t get that.  Often when you go to a shop or gas station or office, they have a washroom key on this massive piece of wood, which they keep replacing from time to time.  They say – they want to keep track of the key, so they attach it to something gargantuan that won’t be easily lost.

But why are we locking shit-houses in the first place?  Aren’t Canadians supposed to keep their doors unlocked????

Signing off from Bettendorf, IA

Gun Control in 2014 & Beyond

I’m finding it interesting how the Empire is going about disarming its citizenry these days. For instance, in Canada, the government has an extremely complicated and convoluted process for citizens to own, manage and enjoy their firearms.  In the US, they won’t touch the second amendment, but they will horde all the ammo.
Here’s a quote I found that nails it beautifully:
“The difference between a gun collection and an art collection is the supply and demand of ammunition.” — Alexandre Johnson

Dark Bark

I make my own Almond Bark using 85% Green & Black’s Dark Chocolate.

Preheat the oven to 350F

Ingredients:
– 3 bars of chocolate (300 grams broken into little squares or chunks for easier melting)
– 1-2 cups of almonds
– Sea Salt
– boiling water

Infrastructure:
– cookie sheet or pizza tray (I use a pizza tray)
– glass bowl
– sauce pan
– paper towel
– parchment paper
– wooden spoon
– kettle

Directions:
1. Place the almonds onto a cookie sheet or pizza tray lined with parchment paper in the oven for 8-10 minutes (8 if almonds are fresh)
2. While the almonds bake, pour the boiling water into the sauce pan, and heat the pan to about 2.5 on the element. (do not burn the chocolate)
3. Place the glass bowl on top of the pan so that the round part is in it. Make sure the glass bowl’s interior is completely dry before adding chocolate. If unsure, dry it with paper towel again and again…and again

Congratulations, you’ve got a make shift double-boiler!!

4. Place the chocolate into the bowl and stir with the wooden spoon

5. Eight to ten minutes later…take the almonds out of the oven and let them cool for three or four minutes
6. Once the chocolate is liquid, pour the almonds into the bowl and mix thoroughly.
Tip: The parchment paper’s corners can be folded to help transport the almonds to the bowl
7.
Place the parchment paper back onto the edged cookie sheet or pizza tray
8. Once the almonds have been thoroughly mixed, pour the entire mixture onto the cookie sheet or pizza tray ensuring the mixture is spread out evenly across the surface
9. Sprinkle the sea salt across the top of the now liquide almond bark to your heart’s content
10. Place this Pièce de Résistance into the fridge for 30 min if you want to eat it now now now!!!
For best results, leave it in the fridge over night or for a few hours to allow the chocolate to harden.

Enjoy!

Hummus or Hamas?

Ingredients:
– 1/2 can of chick peas
– 3.5 dashes of paprika
– 3 dashes of cumin
– teaspoon of garlic purée
– 2 squeezes of stone ground mustard
– half a lemon’s juice

Directions:
Place all the ingredients into a food processor and purée until completely purée-fied.

Enjoy!

 

Red Lentil Soup

Serves 4 – 5 bowls of soup.

Ingredients:
2 Onions
4 Carrots
1-2 cups of Split Red Lentils
1 Bouillion Cube
4 cups of Boiling Water
4 tbsp Cocnut oil (use the oil you like to cook with)

Spices: (1 teaspoon for each or more depending on desire)
– Mustard Seed powder
– Garlic powder
– Tumeric
– Cumin
– Coriander
– Paprika

(Let them mix together for 2-3 min before adding the next spice.)

Directions:
1. Place the lentils in a bowl, and cover with water. Allow to soak for later use; Chop the onions to desired size.
2. In a soup pan or stock pan, heat the oil at medium – low heat. Add Onions to the hot oil while stirring frequently and allow to cook for 10 – 12 minutes before adding spices.
3. Chop Carrots to desired sizes.
4. Add the spices in the above order, one at a time. Once added, stir them in well with the Onions. Add water from time to time to prevent dry spices from sticking to the bottom of the pan.
5. Once the Onions are cooked and the spices are all mixed together, add the carrots. Stir Carrots so they’re well coated
6. Boil 1.5 Litres of water. (max capacity line in my kettle)
7. Place Bouillon cube in a measuring cup and measure 2 cups of boiling water. With a fork, break apart the cube. It’s okay if only half the cube gets dissolved in the water.
8. Using a strainer, strain the Lentils and wash them before adding them to the mixture. Once rinsed, add the Lentils
9. Stir the mixture to allow everything to come together,
10. Add and stir in the 2 cups of boiling water. Add an additional 2 cups with the remainder of the Bouillon cube.
11. Stir everything together and crank up the heat to high allowing the soup to boil.
12. Once boiled, turn down the heat allowing the soup to simmer on low heat.

Note: As the lentils continue to expand, the soup will thicken. Add additional boiling water to desired consistency. Salt isn’t added to this mixture because Bouillon cubes contain quite a bit. For larger soups, add salt to taste.

Enjoy!

Koji’s Crispy Summer Salad

Salad Ingredients:
– mixed greens
– strawberries cut in halves
– blueberries
– sesame seeds (salted & unsalted)
– nectarine cut in bite size pieces
– cherry tomatoes cut in halves
– gorgonzola cheese (you decide how you want it)

Salad Dressing:
– 3 tablespoons olive oil
– 1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
– 3-4 teaspoons of grainy dijon mustard (I use this.)

Enjoy!