I have this vision of a future me pointing my index finger at me in an “I told you so” kind of way, with the kind of intensity that requires hiding my head in the sand for being ashamed of myself. But it isn’t shame because there is none. It’s something else…
I’ve been listening to a 3 minute video narrated by Alan Watts called “What if money didn’t matter?” It’s an old one about finding purpose to life. He asks, “What do you desire? What makes you itch?” And goes on about following your dreams no matter what, and not worrying about money. In Alan’s video, or I should say in the video sound clipped to Alan’s lecture from however long ago, the camera pans up at a guy at a desk working on papers and it continues to pan above his head for 5 more seconds showing an endless stack of paper. I feel like I’m THAT GUY and I HATE it!!
Here’s the video.
I must have watched it 100 times by now.
Every day I’ve woken up asking myself why I’m doing this and how much longer I want to waste my life away. This being, working at my firm, in a role I still don’t understand and not at all committed the way my colleagues are.
Last night was our department’s “Town Hall” which is basically when the executives talk to the hamsters once per quarter. It’s a chance for the hamsters to feel appreciated and think they matter to the bottom line. I find them synonymous with funerals because they allow me time to really reflect about life and purpose.
So while sitting at our town hall yesterday, watching people get special awards for going above and beyond, I realized that if I want to qualify for those “awards,” I’d have to annihilate my true self and willingly give myself to this program. And I’ve no desire to become Jason Bourne. Great character, but it’s not me.
My colleagues actually enjoy working late, working weekends, working more than they get paid and writing off their existence for their work, as a cog on a wheel in a firm.
And me – well, I’d like to start a company, do some consulting and work for me. Find my own way, and love what I do.
I’ve manifested the apartment I want to live in, and want to stay there for a while. I’ve manifested the life I want. Now I want to manifest a daily activity that allows me to carry this life and save on top. Oh and I got my raise. Not very much, but better than a boomerang to the jugular. Currently, 2 weeks of salary = 1 month of rent. I’d like to decrease the first number and increase the second number.
Let’s see what tomorrow brings…